group seeks genesis ban

a christian group, concerned about the moral breakdown in american society, is pushing for a ban on the book of genesis.

a spokesperson for people involved in saving, securing, and defending the old-fashioned family (p.i.s.s.d.o.f.f.), says that decent citizens have come together to protest that enough is enough, that our culture cannot go on promoting materials like genesis to our children.

jonathan fussminder, a parent and activist for the group said, "this book [genesis] is a classic case of the devil's bait and switch. it opens with an outstanding scientific depiction of how god created the universe, but then you turn the page and you have two people running around naked in a garden. that's satan's way. he draws you in with something that sounds good, and pretty soon, he has you looking at pornography. "they were naked and not ashamed" is the way the author puts it, and that's all you need to know about this book. i wouldn't want my boys reading that for anything."

when asked if that passage was the only one to which he and the other members of p.i.s.s.d.o.f.f. objected, fussminder rolled his eyes and said, "oh my, no. genesis is filled with r-rated material at best. you've got violent killings, parents having sex with their own children, men giving their wives away to harems to save their own skin, lies, deceit, polygamy, child-slavery, seduction, and so many explicit sexual scenes and references that i'm embarrassed to even talk about them."

when this reporter asked about the fact that some people consider genesis to be "god's word," fussminder became animated. "god's word? god's word? that just shows how far into decadence we've fallen. can you imagine a good and holy god inspiring a book like this? can you imagine god asking parents to tell these stories to their children? they'd be warped for life!

"no, this most certainly is NOT god's word. how it got into the bible we don't know, but the fact that it is in there may point to one of the most insidious acts in history. we are pushing hard for publishers to delete genesis from future bibles, and we also say that if genesis got snuck in there, who knows what might be in some of the other books? as we speak, p.i.s.s.d.o.f.f. has teams of investigators reading the other books in the bible so that we can root out this kind of immoral and corrupting material. just recently, i heard rumors that the very next book, exodus, may contain scenes of infanticide, murder, nightmarish and gory plagues straight from the latest horror movies, idol-worship, immoral partying, and more sexual perversion."

so it's possible that your work will not end with genesis? fussminder was asked.

"no way," he replied. "we're p.i.s.s.d.o.f.f., and we are here to protect the children of america from harmful influences. we won't stop until we've cleaned it all up, from genesis to revelation."


today's van gogh
the schoolboy (camille roulin), 1888

let them eat cake...

reporter: hello, today i'm with william sola, great, great, great grandson of jack sola, founder of the sola bakery company. thanks for joining us today, mr. sola.

sola: my pleasure.

reporter: you are the latest in a long line of solas to have inherited the sola bakery business. if i understand correctly, your company is now being run in quite a different way than it was in the past. can you tell us about that?

sola: that's right. we operate strictly on a kind of franchise basis now. you tell us you want to run a sola bakery, we verify that you're a true believer in the sola name, and boom! there you go, you can run your own sola bakery.

reporter: how do you go about helping these franchise owners get started in business?

sola: we give them the book.

reporter: the book?

sola: that's right, the sola bakery book.

reporter: i assume that this book contains all the directions one would need to get a bakery going—specific steps for setting up a business, company policies, the unique sola recipes, all of that?

sola: no, not really. the book is more of a history of jack sola. it lays out the background of why he started the bakery, and then tells about his life, his sayings, and the sacrifices he made to start the first sola bakery. it also contains stories about the early growth of the business, and several letters that early company managers wrote to bakeries around the area to help them with their specific problems. oh, you can find bits and pieces of various recipes in there, and fragments of policies and procedures. but mostly, it's the story of jack sola.

reporter: it doesn't contain specific company policies and the actual recipes for baking sola products? how then do you maintain quality control? how do you make sure one sola cake is like another sola cake?

sola: we don't care too much about quality control. we pretty much just give a new guy the book and let him go. he's on his own then. we think the book contains enough principles to keep him straight and faithful to the spirit of our founder, but he's free to develop his own recipes and run the business any way he wants. this has led to a whole new, exciting era in sola bakery history, and we are celebrating it with our new slogan.

reporter: and what is that?

sola: "sola bakeries: a surprise in every box."

reporter: but, doesn't that confuse people? doesn't it bother you that people don't really know what to expect when they buy a product from a sola bakery? and what if they get something really bad, or even harmful?

sola: actually, we like it that people don't know what to expect. it adds an air of spontanaeity and excitement that we think is great! here at headquarters, we just say, "let them eat cake!" and then wait to hear all the thrilling reports from the field. if a customer isn't satisfied with her local sola bakery, we figure that there are enough other franchises in the area that she can try them all until she's satisfied.

reporter: so, the sola name really doesn't indicate what kind of a product you're going to get.

sola: yes, that's right. what we can guarantee is that it will be a "sola" cake, no more, no less. beyond that, it's up for grabs.

reporter: and there you have it—william sola, president of sola bakeries, telling us that, when it comes to sola cakes, it's a surprise in every box. good night, and GOOD LUCK.

today's van gogh

interior of a restaurant, 1887